Sidewalk Stories

Do people really eat this stuff? Buffalo, crocodile and kangaroo at the St Lawrence Market.

One thing I like about my neighbourhood is the streets are lively. Lots of people in the 'hood don't have a car, or else are not in good shape to drive one, so the sidewalks see a steady stream of folks about their business. Plus some other things.

Yak, venison, elk.

Emu, pheasant, buffalo, rabbit, goat, duck, camel.

For example, a couple of weeks ago I was walking home from Loblaws. I was less than 10 metres from my front door when I heard a skateboard coming up behind me. 

I’m an old hand at sidewalk turf battles. I don’t surrender my right of way to wheeled vehicles. 

The rumble of hard wheels on concrete deepened as the ‘boarder slowed but did not stop. I saw him as he passed me on my left. Then I felt something lash against the back of my legs. And then, on my right, I saw a dog, a sandy-red rumpled mutt, part golden lab part heaven knows. The kid on the ‘board dropped the leash so we didn’t all end up in a pile. I gave him the look he deserved. “Sorry,” he said, as he gathered the dog’s leash and rolled away, “It was an accident.”

“Sure,” I said, “a skateboard and a dog on a leash on a sidewalk … what could possibly go wrong.”

He missed my meaning, and continued as he had, southbound on the sidewalk, his dog on his leash, assuming the next pedestrian to come along would do the right thing and get out of his way. 

Ostrich, buffalo, elk, duck.

On Friday, on my way to the St Lawrence Market, I passed two men on the sidewalk. One was fast asleep, lying on the north edge of the path. He lay on his side, his head flat against the hard concrete, his back to the abandoned restaurant that used to be George's Spaghetti House, in its heyday one of the great jazz venues in Toronto. He may not have been as old as he looked. 

The other man was about a block west of the first. He was also lying down on the sidewalk, but not asleep. He was doing pushups - a lot of pushups - in the middle of the sidewalk by the parking lot east of Filmores. He was younger than the first guy and had a cigarette tucked behind his left ear. His head was turned to the left, toward Dundas Street. 

I yielded the sidewalk to him, passing on his right. 

I'll stand up to stupid skateboarders, but sometimes the life on the sidewalk is just too crazy to mess with.  

Thanks for reading!

Have a great week!

Karen

Rebranding America

Still haven't got your shot? Can't get into Filmores until you do.
August 20, 2021

In the 100 years from the 1850s to the 1950s, one opinion expressed by non-Americans was that America was unique among nations in that it had passed from barbarism to decadence without experiencing an intervening period of civilization.

In the mid-1970's, an automobile manufacturer forged a national consensus around "baseball, hot dogs, apple pie and Chevrolet" as the definition of America.

"As American as apple pie" summons images of a perpetual 4th of July picnic with rosy-cheeked children, red checked table cloths, lemonade and meat grilling on barbecues.

But, with the withdrawal from Afghanistan and the end of American hegemony, the USA is in need of a new a brand.

I'm happy to help our neighbour to the south with this. 

Here are a few ideas I've got kicking around. 

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As American as living in your car.

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As American as a mass shooting.

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As American as denying you've had plastic surgery.

***

As American as an outraged sense of lost entitlement.

I'm sure there are others. If any come to your mind, please put them in the comments.

Thanks for reading!

Have a great week!

Karen

Twenty First Century Customer Service, Part II

Monopoly-cribbing street art, across the street from the ROM. 6 August 2021.

Almost exactly five years ago, I wrote about two customer service experiences of a friend of mine and compared them to one of my own.

This past week, I partook of some customer service from Enbridge, and then Enercare, as I tried to get one or the other of them to take away the twelve-year-old gas hot water heater we're replacing with a shiny new electric model.

We had the old 'heater installed by Enbridge shortly after we moved to 280 Sherbourne. In the intervening years, Enbridge sold its water heater rental business to Enercare, and probably told me about it, but I forgot, so I called Enbridge (at least I tried to call Enbridge) first.

The one thing you cannot find easily on the Enbridge website is the customer service number. In case you ever need it, it's 1-877-362-7434. 

Once I had hold of an Enbridge employee, they quickly assured me that they had nothing to do with taking away my water heater. They gave me Enercare's number.

The first time I called Enercare a service rep told me that Enercare would not take away my 'heater, because of "COVID restrictions."

"Maybe your contractor can drop it off" she said, trying to be helpful.

My contractor did not want to "drop it off" so I called Enercare again, because, without the "drop off", Enercare would continue to charge rent for a water heater I was no longer using.

The first person I connected with said she needed to check on something, and she put me on hold. After waiting half an hour, I ended up back in the general call waiting queue. The next person I connected with said I was in the wrong service department, put me on hold, and another half hour after that, I ended up back in the general call waiting queue. I hung up and dialled again. The next person I talked to said she was going to put me on hold and I begged her not to. 

She laughed and said nothing bad would happen this time. After another long wait on hold I connected with Andre, who was smart, sympathetic and had a solution.

He said, "call customer care, tell them your contractor won't take away your water heater, and tell them you want your buyback of $265.00 plus HST waived, so you can just put your old tank out for regular garbage pickup."

"Sounds amazing," I said, "how do I call customer care?"

"I'll transfer you," he said, and I closed my eyes in prayer.

Customer care, once I'd advised them of Andre's great idea, said, "You have to write to the office of the President."

What does Joe Biden have to do with this, I wondered.

I sent the email to the office of the President of Enbridge. Two days later they wrote me back, letting me know the buyback fee had been waived and I could dispose of my old 'heater any way I wanted to.

I lost about two hours of my life to waiting on hold, but gained $300. Was it worth it? You decide.

Thanks for reading!

Have a great week!

Karen

Before August 4, 2021

After August 4, 2021

Green Bound Leaf

Sun hat, pylon, shoreline: Leslie Street Spit Pedestrian bridge, 7 August, 2021

 

I've never liked puns. People who know me well understand the best way to torture me is to pummel me with puns.

But, spoonerisms delight me, and render me pee-my-pants helpless.

Spoonerisms are, of course, the inadvertent switching of consonants or phonemes at the beginning of words, exemplified by Reverend Spooner, an Oxford Don, who is said to have admonished one of his students by saying "you hissed all my mystery lectures" and "tasted two whole worms" among other hilarious mis-statements.

Archie Campbell achieved the highest level of the art form with his performance of Rindercella.

I personally commit this mental error from time to time. Once I told my friends about my "unts and ankles." 

Most recently, I stood in the alley behind the townhouse complex, arguing with an owner of one of the condo units. She had, I firmly believed, tried to pull a fast one and side-step a long-standing dispute with the owner of the property south of ours which I had, as a member of the board, spent more than a year stuck in the middle of.  

In response to my theory, she said, "You make it sound like I'm manipulative."

Well, I thought, if the foo shits.

Thanks for reading!

Have a great week!

Karen

Feed me! Baby cliff swallow, Leslie Street Spit.
7 August, 2021