Paris - Day Three

How the negotiations look from the observer row.

For the second day of COP, I took it upon myself to be the LEAST bright-eyed and bushy tailed I could be, and to make it to my very first meeting as late as I could be.

I succeeded.

To achieve the first objective, I ordered "decaf" at a cafe last night and they very clearly decided to ignore that request. The drink they brought me kept me up all night.

I also walked too much for too long last night and really irritated my right hip.

So, wide awake until four a.m. from caffeine and random joint pain, I had two hours or so of sleep when I opened my eyes and said quietly to myself, "God DAMMIT, I have to be at the COP venue in TWO HOURS."

To achieve the second objective, I got myself cleaned up, had a protein bar for breakfast, chugged half a block to the subway station and ... took the wrong train.

Getting myself turned around took me the best part of fifteen minutes, which is exactly how late I was for the meeting with Environment and Climate Change Canada. Phooey.

Anyway, it was day one of the official negotiations and all the plans already laid for how the talks would proceed were blown out of the water because there's too much to talk about in too little time.

I know why there is not enough time.

First of all, no meeting called by the Parties to negotiate ever starts on time. People mill about and gossip and check their phones and fiddle with their other electronic equipment and wander off to engage in different gossip with different people and finally get around to starting the goddam meeting long after it was supposed to ... everything is at least 30 minutes behind schedule.

Second of all, people are long-winded and inarticulate in stating their positions. Bolivia doesn't say, on behalf of the G77, "Developing countries believe that it is properly the responsibility of developed countries to foot the bill for adapting to climate change."

No, Bolivia says, "Madame chair, thank you for the opportunity to (two second pause) I don't want to seem like not a gentleman because I am always the person speaking first (two second pause) but (two second pause) the first section of this paragraph (two second pause) I mean, believe me, I leave myself in your hands (three second pause) but the countries on whose behalf I am speaking (two second pause) the realities are that there is a feeling (two second pause) and I must respectfully not (two second pause) my colleague (three second pause) the United States (five second pause) we believe a different outcome would better serve the meaning of the text here."

And then Bolivia will say more or less the same thing three or four times.

This went on for most of the morning, and then for a few hours in the afternoon. I was at one meeting around three in the afternoon and a different G77 spokesperson was taking forever to say "OK, let's divide ourselves into drafting teams" when I'd had enough.

I was exhausted, in a lot of pain, and dangerously on the brink of an international incident, so I picked up all my stuff ... my coat, my cane, my iPad, my iPad charger, my phone, my long-strapped purse I carry my important stuff in to frustrate pickpockets ... and got the hell out.

I did not get lost on the way home and I did not have coffee at my evening meal. I am also planning on not spending so much time at the negotiation sessions tomorrow.

Tomorrow will be great.