Friends

Tuckered squirrel on the fence. Our backyard, April 23 2023.

To promote her book about the "quiet catastrophe" of loneliness in America, Sheila Liming talked to Ezra Klein about "the devastating fact that we've grown less likely to spend time together outside of work, our partnerships and family."

The "we" they were talking about seemed to be themselves: two thirty-something, well-off Americans with white collar jobs, homes in the suburbs and young families. Their deepest wish was that they had more time to spend with their friends.

Whether or not their situation is truly devastating, they made me think about what it is exactly that makes a friend.

Liming and Klein talked about friends in utilitarian terms. Friends are people you can rely on to help you, who you can trust to take care of your kids when you're in a bind, who can make your life easier by being available without having to plan a month in advance. 

Liming's idea of hanging out sounded like life in university, where you had a group of people you could spend ample time with having pointless conversations and, probably, drinking quite a lot.

So here's the thing. Most of the people who have helped me recently - like that blue-eyed kid when I fell at the corner of College and Grace Streets - were complete strangers. 

So people don't need to be your friends to help you out.

And the other thing. I hung out a lot in university, but not with just anybody. I selected a group of friends and then I spent thousands of hours yakking and drinking with them. 

Proximity, familiarity and willingness to assist are nice things to have in a friend, but these are not what make a friend. 

A friend is the person who has seen you at your worst, your most vulnerable, your most annoying, and still comes back the next day as your friend.

Liming gave the example of a man she always fights with whenever they get together. They disagree vehemently and part in fury, but, after all of that, they still feel a mutual warmth and fondness. 

So it comes to this, anyone who both knows you well and forgives you is your friend.

Thanks for reading!

Karen