I hope you enjoy today's post, a work from February 1993, written for something called the Law Follies during my last year at law school. It's a skit called "Carol Gilligan's Island."
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| The beautiful and talented Sylvia Davis as Madonna |
Three men, dressed in business suits, stand at a microphone off to far stage left. Music comes up with the lights, the theme song from "Gilligan's Island".
Singers:
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale
A tale of a fateful trip
That started in this tropic port
Aboard this tiny ship
The mate was a famous essentialist
The skipper brave and sure
Four feminists set sail that day
For a three hour tour, a three hour tour ...
Singers stop and music fades.
Just as the last word is sung, one of the singers holds up a large placard and walks to centre stage. The placard reads: "TONIGHT'S EPISODE: CAMILLE PAGLIA VISITS THE ISLAND"
Person flips placard; written on the back are the words "ASSUME HUTS".
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| Most of the rest of the cast. Left to right: JoAnne (Camille), Andrea (Sontag), Sylvia (Madonna), me (Wolf) and Bettina (Faludi) |
Singer returns to stage left just as a fortyish, full-figured woman in a shirtless suit with a plunging neckline (she should be wearing a push-up bra), a very short skirt, high-heeled pumps and fabulously sheer stockings strides onto the stage from the rear. She continues to stage front centre and addresses the audience. Her delivery should be loud and shrill.
Camille Paglia (Hereafter CAM): My name is Camille Paglia and I am the most fascinating woman in the world. I am also the only feminist on the planet who matters.
She takes a bow.
CAM: Six months ago the well-known behavioural scientist and accused essentialist Carol Gilligan disappeared from the face of the earth. She was last seen boarding a small pleasure craft. There were searches, but the boat and its passengers were never found. That's because the searchers were soft. I have spent the last five months searching for Carol Gilligan. I have finally found her. I know she is on this island. I have come here to tell her she's wrong.
(CAM turns her attention to the people asleep on the stage. She shrieks.)
CAM: WAKE UP! HEY! WAAAAKE UUUUUUUUUP!
Voicing adlibbed expressions of surprise, the four sleepers get to their feet. They are Carol Gilligan (hereafter CAR), Susan Faludi (hereafter SUE), Naomi Wolf (hereafter NAO), and Susan Sontag (hereafter SON).
They peek out from their "huts", and seeing who it is, adlib more expressions of surprise. CAM looks around, recognizes them all, and, frankly, can't believe her eyes.
CAM: Sweet Jesus, it looks like the lost feminists' graveyard. I come looking for Gilligan, and I get a whole crop of losers. Naomi (CAM shakes her hand or something) Wolf, who says beauty is a myth, and on you, dear, it shows. Susan Sontag (CAM claps her on the back), who brings new meaning to the phrase 'waste of skin'. And Susan Two! Ms. Faludi (CAM could put her arm around SUE's shoulders and given them a patronising squeeze), little miss backlash, happy at last, I presume. CAM singles out CAR, takes her by the arm and pulls her toward her.
CAM: And you, Gilligan. Still hearing different voices are we?
CAR wrenches her arm free from CAM.
CAR: Who are you? What do you want?
CAM recoils as if slapped.
CAM: Who AM I? Who AM I? I'm Camille Paglia! I'm the freest woman in the world! I am the only woman this century – in the whole history of the world -- to achieve the total synthesis of art and sex and pornography and sadomasochism and cultural politics ...
SUE: (stepping forward, interrupts) We get the picture. (Turning to CAR) Carol, this is Camille Paglia, she's written some books and likes to appear on talk shows.
CAR: Of course. (She shakes CAM's hand) I've heard so much about you. It's a pleasure to finally meet you. What are you doing here?
CAM: Well, I've already shot down all these losers. You're the next one on my list. I'm here to make you a deal, since I guess you all want off of this island. There's a helicopter booked to arrive back here in two hours. All you have to do is agree with everything I say, and I'll take you back to civilization with me. Is it a deal?
CAR, SUE, SON and NAO all exchange looks.
CAR: It's true that we would like to get off the island, but you drive a hard bargain. Can we discuss this for a moment?
CAM: Talk all you like, but, remember, you've got two hours and then I'm out of here.
They all nod at CAM, and move to stage rear, conferring.
Music, MC Hammer's Too Legit to Quit, plays and then fades for ten seconds and then SUE, SON, NAO and CAR advance from the back of the stage.
NAO: We've talked about your proposal, and we consider it only fair, as you have us at an advantage, that we be given one more opportunity to have our arguments heard.
CAM: You got two hours. You can waste your time any way you like. Just before you get off this island, you have to tell me I'm right and you're wrong.
CAR: We'll see. Why don't you take a seat (The other women grab a chair from stage right and force CAM ungently to sit down).
CAR, SUE, SON and NAO arrange themselves so they face CAM and the audience. They sing, a capella, to the tune of “Matchmaker” from Fiddler on the Roof.
Paglia, Paglia,
Give us a break
You're on the news
You're still a fake
You wandered for decades in obscurity,
You'll be there again you'll see.
O Camille, you're hot for the moment
But Camille, you'll be cold again soon
O, Camille, you'll wish you were nicer
It's time that you changed your tune.
Paglia, Paglia,
Your book's been panned
Hated, reviled
So starts the end
You're learning the shelf life of intensity
Delete bins is where you'll be.
Remember, fame it is fleeting
Consider what will happen to you
It's time that you finally admitted
You need us more than we need you
Paglia, Paglia
Admit defeat
You're lost and alone
Quite incomplete
Welcome the virtues of sorority
Or no more publicity.
O Camille you're over forty
O Camille you'll be powerless soon
Accept that gravity hates you
Your tits will go saggy too
Paglia, Paglia
Please, think it out
We tell the truth
There is no doubt
You think you can hate us with impunity
You can't be more wrong, you'll see.
CAM: (standing up) What is this? What is this? You call this an argument? These threats? You stupid bitches! I don't need you! I've never needed you. I'm great on my own. And my tits will NEVER sag! (She looks at her watch) You've got half an hour left.
SUE: (To the others) I told you it wouldn't work.
CAR: This is absurd. Hey, Paglia. (CAM, who has turned her back on the group, whirls back around) How about if I say you're right, can everyone else come back with us if I do?
CAM: Oh, that's touching. A selfless act. NO. Either you ALL say I'm right or you stay here till your scrawny flesh rots from your bones.
SON: (In a stage whisper to SUE) When are we going to tell her about the hovercraft?
SUE: Shhhh. Don't let on.
CAM: What was that? A hovercraft? What is this? What is this?
CAR: Right. Cat's out of the bag. The laugh's on you, Camille. We aren't stranded here. The hovercraft SS Martha Minow is moored on the other side of this island. And, just after you were dropped off, we used our radio to contact your pilot and tell him he didn't need to come back to pick you up. You're the one who has to answer to terms, Paglia, not us.
CAM: You bitches! I don't believe this!
As this exchange is going on, Madonna (hereafter MAD) enters from the rear, dragging a parachute behind her.
MAD: Hey! What's going on? Who are you guys? Where are we?
CAM: Ohmigod! It's Madonna! Madonna! It's me! Camille Paglia! I'm so glad you're here! These weird, twisted feminists were going to strand me here! You've come to rescue me.
MAD: Rescue, schmescue. My Lear Jet blew both engines. I had to fight the pilot for the last parachute and bail out. You guys gotta boat? I gotta get outta here. I'm on Arsinio tonight.
CAM: Ya, sure, there's a hovercraft. We can all leave together and we can talk on the way ...
CAR: Hold it. We can leave, but you have to stay here, Paglia, until you admit you're a walking ball of human scar tissue with Diet Pepsi for brains and battery acid for blood.
CAM: (Facing the deepest crisis of her adult life) Augh! NO! (Considers what this answer means) I mean ... Augh! I can't do it! I'll die here! You bitches!
MAD: Hey, Camille, don't sweat it. You may be the world's most fascinating woman, but I'm the one with two jets, one for me and one for my entourage. The second jet was following, and they saw us go down. They'll send a search party soon.
CAM: You mean I can stay here with you? We can talk?
MAD: Sure. What the fuck.
CAM: (To SUE, SON, CAR and NAO) Get out! Go away! Leave you evil bitches!
She pushes at them and they go. As they leave music rises, "There's a Place For Us". CAM and MAD stay on stage, and the lights go down as CAM begins to talk and talk and talk and talk and the music fades. Just before it goes completely dark, the three singers start again. CAM should keep talking.
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| Singers from left to right: Mike, Sean, Joel. |
Singers:
So join us here each week my friends
You're sure to get a smile
From stranded neo-feminists
On Carol Gilligan's Isle!
The End
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